Month: March 2026

830.1864.The Admirations—and Contempts—of time—

The Admirations—and Contempts—of time—
Show justest—through an Open Tomb—
The Dying—as it were a Height
Reorganizes Estimate
And what We saw not
We distinguish clear—
And mostly—see not
What We saw before—

‘Tis Compound Vision—
Light—enabling Light—
The Finite—furnished
With the Infinite—
Convex—and Concave Witness—
Back—toward Time
And forward—
Toward the God of Him—

My interpretation of the two stanzas:

After I die, the admirations and contempts of time will be “justest”. Then my readers will reorganize their estimates of my poems’ worth, and what was obscure before my death will afterward make sense.

Each generation of readers enlightens the next on the meanings of my poems, and they, in turn, enlighten the following generation to see ever deeper, compounding understanding. Each generation’s vision is finite, but their ultimate vision is infinite. That infinite vision bears witness in space, both outward and inward, and in time, both backward and forward, toward the God of Him.

 

ED had someone special in mind when she capitalized that last “Him”. She reserved capitalized pronouns for only God, Jesus, and Charles Wadsworth. Clearly, “Him” is not God, and the context of the poem doesn’t suggest Jesus, leaving us with Wadsworth. If so, who was the God of Wadsworth? ED seems to suggest that she, in her poems, and he, in his sermons, were converging on the same God.

 

The word “justest” is ED at her finest, an original adjective of superlative degree. I could not find “justest” in any dictionary.

829.1864.Between My Country — and the Others —

There are no alternate words in Fr829:

1. Between My Country — and the Others —
2. There is a Sea —
3. But Flowers — negotiate between us —
4. As Ministry.

 

My interpretation of Fr829:

Between my home, “Homestead”, and Sue’s home, “Evergreens”, there is a meadow of grass and wildflowers and a footpath about 100 yards long:

1. Between My Country — and the Others —
2. There is a Sea —

Sue and I share our love of poetry by sending my poems back and forth by messengers, either our hired housekeepers or by Sue’s children. First, I send the poem to her, and she replies with her comments on the poems:

3. But Flowers — negotiate between us —
4. As Ministry.

Usually when I interpret a poem, I start with the literal first level, then dig deeper for universality. Continuing with the digging metaphor, a good poem has at least one level below the literal, which we label “second level”, even though we are digging downward. This is confusing because an elevator goes up to get to the second level.

For me, the words we read on the page comprise the second level of meaning and our job as readers is to guess their literal meaning, so here are five (5) words that we must interpret in reverse: “Country”, “Others”, “Sea”, “Flowers”, and “Ministry”. (Lest my quotation-mark punctuation confuses, I prefer British rules, which put periods and commas outside quotation marks when they logically belong there.)

1. “My Country” means “Myself” or “Me”. Not including first words in lines, ED capitalized Myself and Me many times in her poems, e.g., Fr14 (last line), Fr255, Fr273, Fr310, Fr332, Fr426 (Line 1), Fr455, Fr481 (twice), Fr553, Fr570, and many more.
   .
2. Line 1 in this poem (Fr829), “Between My Country — and the Others”, leaves us wondering, If “My Country” is ED or her home, “Homestead”, who are “the Others”? My immediate guess is Sue and Austin, who live in their newly built home, “Evergreens”. “Between” the two houses is 100 yards of meadow. But “Others” may also include anyone who reads ED’s poems.
   .
3. In ED’s poem that meadow is a “Sea” of grass and wildflowers. In an 1858 poem, ED told us “One Sister [Vinnie] have I in the house – / And one [Sue] a hedge away”. ED neglected to tell us that “a hedge away” meant 100 yards “Between” Homestead and Evergreens. And if “Others” is anyone who reads her poems, then the “Sea” is the literal or metaphorical distance from Homestead to wherever the reader happens to be.
   .
4. That meadow may be full of grass and wildflowers, but in this poem (Fr 829), “Flowers” probably means “Poems”, which “negotiate” between Sue and ED, especially during their 15-year hiatus when ED did not step foot into “Evergreens”.
   .
5. Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines “Ministry” as “A government department headed by a minister; a departmental minister together with his or her associated staff; [or] the building occupied by a government department.” (Def, 1.5.c.)”. Ministers often personally carried important letters from one country to another. I suppose the word “Ministry” in the poem could be the employees or children that carried the poems back and forth across the “Sea” of meadow.

 

Historical perspective: Sue summarized her relationship with ED in a poem she wrote about 1891, five years after ED died:

1. Minstrel of the passing days
2. Sing me the song of all the ways
3. That snare the soul in the October haze
4. Song of the dark glory of the hills
5. When dyes are frightened to dull hues
6. Of all the gaudy shameless tints
7. That fire the passions of the prince
8. Strangling vines clasping their Cleopatras
9. Closer than Antony’s embrace
10. Whole rims of haze in pink
11. Horizons be as if new worlds hew
12. Shaping off our common quest –

ED was the minstrel who sang songs (sent poems):

2. “. . . . of all the ways
3. That snare the soul in the October haze”

As young women, Sue and ED read Shakespeare’s ‘Antony and Cleopatra’ together, with ED reading the part of Antony and Sue Cleopatra. In Fr829, ED’s poems sang:

6. “Of all the gaudy shameless tints
7. That fire the passions of the prince”.

The reason the two did not meet in person was that Sue felt strangled by ED’s neediness for love:

8. Strangling vines clasping their Cleopatras
9. Closer than Antony’s embrace

Sue recognized ED’s genius and understood her poems:

11. Horizons be as if new worlds hew
12. Shaping off our common quest –

Their “common quest” was their shared love of poetry.

827.1864.All forgot for recollecting

I prefer ED’s original words and phrase (Lines 1, 5, 7, 16), line-by-line:

1. All forgot for (through) recollecting
2. Just a paltry One—
3. All forsook, for just a Stranger’s
4. New accompanying—
   .
5. Grace of Rank, and Grace of Fortune (Grace of Rank — and — Grace of Fortune)
6. Less accounted than
7. An unknown esteem (content) possessing—
8. Estimate— who can—
   .
9. Home effaced— her faces dwindled—
10. Nature— altered small—
11. Sun— if shone— or storm— if shattered—
12. Overlooked I all—
    .
13. Dropped— my fate— a timid Pebble
14. In thy bolder Sea—
15. Ask me —Sweet— if I regret it—
16. Prove (Ask) myself— of Thee—

“One” (Line 2) is a personal pronoun referring to a person or entity, mortal or immortal. Its capitalization indicates that “One”, whoever “One” is, is important to ED: God, Jesus, Sue, or Reverend Charles Wadsworth. The context of this poem rules out God and Jesus, and Sue is not a stranger . By elimination, “One” is Charles Wadsworth. This understood referent of “One” explains why “Stranger’s” (Line 3) is capitalized: the stranger is Wadsworth.

My interpretation of Fr827, ‘All forgot for recollecting’, verse-by-verse:

1. I have forgotten all except One: Charles Wadsworth. I have forsaken all my friends. All I think about is Reverend Wadsworth.
   .
2. Grace of rank and fortune is less important than a mysterious esteem Wadsworth possesses. Who knows whence that esteem comes.
   .
3. Home forgotten, familiar faces fade; nature shrinks, sun and storm shrivel. I overlook them all.
   ‘
4. I drop my fate, a timid pebble in your bolder sea. Ask me, Sweet, if I regret it, I’ll prove I don’t to Thee.

. . . . . . . . . .

ED Lexicon defines “paltry” as an adjective that means “ragged; shabby; tattered; unkempt; impoverished; mean; of low station; insignificant; unimportant; small; trifling, trite; banal; commonplace; ordinary”. These pejorative adjectives don’t fit Reverend Wadsworth. However, reading Line 2 differently, ED could intend “Just a paltry” to mean “Except just”, which makes sense in the context of Stanza 1 and of the entire poem.

826.1864.Denial—is the only fact

I prefer ED’s original phrase in Line 3 and her alternate word in Line 6:

1. Denial—is the only fact
2. Perceived by the Denied—
3. Whose Will—a numb significance (blank intelligence)—
4. The Day the Heaven died—
   .
5. And all the Earth strove common round—
6. Without Delight, or Beam (Aim)—
7. What Comfort was it Wisdom—was—
8. The spoiler of Our Home?

My interpretation of Fr 826, ‘Denial—is the only fact’, line-by-line:

1. Surely there was a reason why Wadsworth left the east coast without saying goodbye.
2. Why did he do that to me?
3. My heart grew numb on (enjambed)
4. May 1, 1862, when Wadsworth left New York, bound for San Francisco.
   .
5. And all the Earth together tried to cheer me up, (enjambed)
6. Without Delight, or Aim;
7. What Comfort was the Wisdom gained from my 4-year correspondence with him and his one-day visit with me during summer 1860 (enjambed)
8. When my Life was ruined?

The reason I think this poem focuses on Charles Wadsworth is that all leading ED biographers have posited the identity of her “Master” was Reverend Charles Wadsworth (Whicher 1939, Johnson 1955, Sewall 1974, Habegger 1998). For further details about Wadsworth, see my comments on

1. Fr811.1864.There is a June when Corn is cut ,
2. Fr818.1864.Given in Marriage unto Thee, and especially
3. Fr825.1864.“Unto Me?” I do not know you—

The key to interpreting Fr826 is to answer the question: What was “The Day the Heaven Died?”. ED felt she’d been denied something she really wanted on that day, and I think “The Day the Heaven Died” was literally one calendar day.

One possible answer to my question is Sue’s wedding day. After Sue’s marriage, she could not give ED the attention she craved, but ED only gradually realized the how much she missed Sue’s attention. Sue’s wedding day on July 1, 1856, was not “The Day the Heaven died”. However, we do have evidence for a single day when ED’s “Heaven died”, and that day apparently occurred in September 1861.

On April 25, 1862, eight months later, ED told T.W. Higginson (JL261):

• “I had a terror — since September — I could tell to none — and so I sing, as the Boy does by the Burying Ground — because I am afraid —.”

The event that caused ED such terror can only be guessed, and my guess is that during September, 1861, ED received a letter from Charles Wadsworth telling her he was moving to San Francisco.

. . . . . . . . . .

Apparently, ED had some premonition of approaching doom, doom for her anyway, when she sent Wadsworth Master Letter 3 in “summer 1861” (Franklin 1998):

Excerpts from Master Letter 3 Draft, “summer 1861”:

• “If you saw a bullet hit a Bird – and he told you he was’nt shot – you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word –”
  .
• “One drop more from the gash that stains your Daisy’s bosom – then would you believe?”
  .
• “God made me — (Sir) Master — I did’nt be — myself.” I dont know how it was done – He built the heart in me —”
  .
• “If it had been God’s will that I might breathe where you breathed – and find the place – myself – at night – if I never forget that I am not with you, and that sorrow and frost are nearer than I – if I wish with a might I cannot repress – that mine were the Queen’s place – the love of the – Plantagenet is my only apology.
  .
• “I want to see you more — Sir — than all I wish for in this world and the wish — altered a little — will be my only one — for the skies.”
  .
• “Could you come to New England — this summer — could you come to Amherst — Would you like to come — Master? Would it do harm — yet we both fear God — Would Daisy disappoint you — no — she would’nt — Sir — it were comfort forever — just to look in your face, while you looked in mine — then I could play in the woods till Dark — till you take me where Sundown cannot find us — and the true keep coming — till the town is full. Will you tell me if you will?”

The author of Master Letter 3 Draft  could easily consider herself:

• “. . . . . . . . . . the Denied —
  Whose Will — a numb significance —
  The Day the Heaven died —”

. . . . . . . . . .

ED’s life became terror “The Day the Heaven died”. All the things she loved before that day, her poetry, her garden, her family, no longer gave her a “Beam” of inspiration that made her life worth living. What comfort was it now, the “Wisdom” she acquired from her relationship with Wadsworth? That failure spoiled ED’s “Home”, especially her delight in writing poetry.

Now she creates poems to forget the past and fight depression.

• “And all the Earth strove common round—
  Without Delight, or Beam—
  What Comfort was it Wisdom—was—
  The spoiler of Our Home?”

 

• Franklin, R. W. (ed.). 1986. The Master Letters of Emily Dickinson. Amherst College Press,
• Habegger, Alfred. 2001. My Wars Are Laid Away in Books
• Johnson, Thomas H. 1955. Emily Dickinson: An Interpretive Biography
• Sewall, Richard. 1974. The Life of Emily Dickinson
• Whicher, G.F. 1938. This Was a Poet

 

825.1864.”Unto Me?” I do not know you—

When ED composed this poem in 1864, she apparently didn’t know whether Wadsworth was dead or alive. He had been gone from the east coast for two years and probably had not responded to any letters she had sent to him c/o Calvary Presbyterian in San Francisco. ED, being who she was, probably assumed he was dead.

Numbered by stanzas. One alternate word, “Breast”, in Line 12:

1. “Unto Me?” I do not know you— Where may be your House?
   .
2. “I am Jesus—Late of Judea— Now—of Paradise”—
   .
3. Wagons—have you—to convey me? This is far from Thence—
   .
4. “Arms of Mine—sufficient Phaeton—Trust Omnipotence”—
   .
5. I am spotted—”I am Pardon”— I am small—”The Least
   .
6. Is esteemed in Heaven the Chiefest— Occupy my House”— (Breast)
   .

In Stanzas 1, ED says she doesn’t “know” the stranger, so addresses him in lower-case “you” and “your” (Stanzas 1 and 2), not capitalized “Thee”, “Thou”, or “Thine”, as she normally does for God, Christ, Jesus, and Wadsworth. These lower case personal pronouns referring to either Jesus or Wadsworth are exceptions that scream “HEADS UP!” to me.
.
. . . . . . . . . .
.
ED loved both Jesus and Wadsworth, and previous poems convince me she thought of them as equals. With that in mind, I interpret ‘ “Unto Me?” ‘ by inserting “Wadsworth” in Jesus’s place:
.

1. [ED] You come unto me? I do not know you— Where do you live?
   .
2. [Wadsworth] “I am Wadsworth, previously of Philadelphia— But now in Heaven —”
   .
3. [ED] Wagons—have you—to convey me? This is far from Thence —
   .
4. [Wadsworth] “Arms of Mine—sufficient Phaeton—, Trust Omnipotence
   —”
   .
5. [ED] I am spotted—, [Wadsworth] “I am Pardon—”
   .
6. [ED] I am small—, [Wadsworth] “The Least is esteemed in Heaven; The Chiefest—occupy my Breast—”

. . . . . . . . . .

Here are excerpts from ED’s three Master Letter drafts that reveal her feelings about Wadsworth:

ED’s Master Letter 1 draft is dated as “about Spring 1858” (Franklin 1998) and is a continuation of a thread of previous correspondence. It begins:
.
• “I am ill, but grieving more that you are ill, I make my stronger hand work long eno’ to tell you. I thought perhaps you were in Heaven, and when you spoke again, it seemed quite sweet, and wonderful, and surprised me so — I wish that you were well.”
.
ED’s next-to-last paragraph is a veiled invitation for Wadsworth to visit her:

“Each Sabbath on the Sea, makes me count the Sabbaths, till we meet on shore — and ( will the) whether the hills will look as blue as the sailors say. I cannot talk any more (stay any longer) tonight (now), for this pain denies me.”

They did finally “meet on shore” for a fateful afternoon during summer 1860.

. . . . . . . .

ED’s Master Letter 2 draft (“early 1861”) has a totally different tone than ML1. It opens by passive-aggressively begging for forgiveness for an imagined affront during Wadsworth’s visit the previous summer, 1860.

ED’s alternative words in (parentheses) and my embedded comments in [brackets]:

• “Oh, did I offend it — [ED addresses Wadsworth as “it”, as if he were a dog or baby]
  .
• Did’nt it want me to tell it the truth — Daisy — Daisy-offend it — who bends her smaller life to his (it’s) meeker (lower) every day — who only asks-a task — (who) something to do for love of it — some little way she cannot guess to make that master glad —
  .
• A love so big it scares her, rushing among her small heart-pushing aside the blood and leaving her faint (all) and white in the gust’s arm —
  .
• Daisy — who never flinched thro’ that awful parting [after his visit the previous summer], but held her life so tight he should not see the wound — who would have sheltered him in her childish bosom (Heart) — only it was’nt big eno’ for a Guest so large — this Daisy — grieve her Lord —’ and yet it (she) often blundered — Perhaps she grieved (grazed) his taste — perhaps her odd Backwoodsman (life) ways (troubled) teased his finer nature (sense). Daisy (fears) knows all that — but must she go unpardoned — teach her, preceptor grace — teach her majesty — Slow (Dull) at patrician things — Even the wren upon her nest learns (knows) more than Daisy Dares —
  .
• “I’ve got a cough as big as a thimble — but I dont care for that I’ve got a Tomahawk in my side but that dont hurt me much. (If you) Her master stabs her more — .

ED’s last paragraph begs Wadsworth to visit her again:

• Wont he come to her — or will he let her seek him, never minding (whatever) so long wandering (out) if to him at last.” . .

 

Franklin (1986) dated Master Letter 3 draft “summer 1861”. It opens:
.

• “Master.
  .
• If you saw a bullet hit a Bird — and he told you he was’nt shot you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word.
  .
• One drop more from the gash that stains your Daisy’s bosom — then would you believe?”

Talk about a GUILT TRIP! ED closes Master Letter 3 draft by begging him to come again to visit her (Franklin 1986):
.

• “I want to see you more — Sir — than all I wish for in this world and the wish — altered a little — will be my only one — for the skies.
  .
• Could you come to New England — (this summer — could) would you come to Amherst — Would you like to come — Master?
  .
• (Would it do harm—yet we both fear God —) Would Daisy disappoint you — no — she would’nt — Sir — it were comfort forever — just to look in your face, while you looked in mine — then I could play in the woods till Dark — till you take me where Sundown cannot find us — and the true keep coming — till the town is full. (Will you tell me if you will?)”
  .
  . . . . . . . . . .

Sometime before Wadsworth left the east coast for San Francisco, he sent the following letter to ED. Franklin (1986) suspects Wadsworth wrote ED this only surviving letter of their correspondence as a response to her Master Letter 1, which Franklin dated as “spring 1858”.

Wadsworth’s letter is unsigned and undated, but Franklin’s sleuthing proves he sent this short letter before he left Philadelphia in spring 1862. The misspelling of ED’s last name suggests Wadsworth wrote this letter before his visit with her in 1860:.

• “My Dear Miss Dickenson [sic]
  .
• I am distressed beyond measure at your note, received this moment, – I can only imagine the affliction which has befallen, or is now befalling you.
  .
• Believe me, be what it may, you have all my sympathy, and my constant, earnest prayers. I am very, very anxious to learn more definitely of your trial- and though I have no right to intrude upon your sorrow yet I beg you to write me, though it be but a word.
  .
• In great haste
  Sincerely and most
  Affectionately Yours –”

The probability that Wadsworth’s letter is an honest, sincere expression of a minister’s concern for a troubled member of his extended congregation no doubt exceeds 90%, but ED spent an afternoon with Wadsworth in summer 1860, when a woman would certainly be deemed a liar if she accused a minister of inappropriate sexual behavior, especially if she wanted and enjoyed it.

Recent research at Southern Baptist University in Texas reveals that at least 14% of Southern Baptist Ministers have engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior with members of their congregation (Wikipedia, downloaded 3/15/2026 , CNN, downloaded 3/17/2026), and that percentage obviously does not include unreported incidents involving “affirmative consent”, AKA, “yes means yes”, AKA, the consenting adults enjoyed the experience.

“Some ministers fall into the trap of using their role to gain sexual access, often by appearing as a “tired minister” needing care . . . . .” (Wikipedia, downloaded 3/15/2026).

As an example of just such “tired minister” behavior by Wadsworth, here’s ED’s letter JL1004 to James L. Clark, which Franklin dated as “mid-summer 1882”, soon after Wadsworth’s death on April 1, 1882:

• “Dear friend,
  .
• I would like to delay the timid pleasure of thanking you, that it might not be so soon expended, but Gratitude is not willing.
  .
• It is almost an apparitional joy to hear him cherished now, for I never knew one who knew him.
  .
• The Griefs of which you speak were unknown to me, though I knew him a “Man of sorrow,” and once when he seemed almost overpowered by a spasm of gloom, I said “You are troubled.” Shivering as he spoke, “My Life is full of dark secrets,” he said.
  .
• He never spoke of himself, and encroachment I know would have slain him. He never spoke of his Home, but of a Child – “Willie”, whom, forgive me the arrogance, he told me was like me – though I, not knowing “Willie,” was benighted still –” .

These two sentences from ED’s letter to Clark are an example of “tired minister” behavior by Wadsworth:

• “[O]nce when he seemed almost overpowered by a spasm of gloom, I said “You are troubled.” Shivering as he spoke, “My Life is full of dark secrets,” he said.”

I wish I could take those words at face value, an honest statement by a “tired minister”, but I can’t. I think Wadsworth came to visit ED with the intention of seducing her. I also think he was successful and afterwards took the train 250 miles back to Philadelphia, mission accomplished. Whether he said it or not, ED long remembered what she perceived as his promise to meet and marry her in Heaven, and that memory was the inspiration for many fine poems.
.
. . . . . . . . . .
.
As a biologist, I am constantly in awe of the genius of evolution in creating DNA, a single molecule that carries all instructions needed to generate physiological incentives so powerful that the DNA’s carriers can’t resist making new copies of their ancestral DNA. We are all carriers of DNA, and we males literally insert those overpowering incentives into females, who then combine their own DNA with ours and gestate the next generation of DNA carriers. Those overpowering incentives begin with gradually increasing, hormonally controlled sexual tensions and end with a mind-blowing, if temporary, relief of those tensions, AKA, horniness and orgasm.

There is a difference between Love and Lust, but, at least for me, no clear line separates them.

Bottom Line again, I think Wadsworth went to Amherst in summer 1860 with the goal of seducing ED. He sensed from her letters she would be easy prey; I think he was right, and I think he was successful.

. . . . . . . . . .

PS. Gestate: transitive verb, “To carry in the womb during the period between conception and birth.” (OED)

. . . . . . . . . .

To say ED liked the word “unto” is a vast understatement; she used it 100 times in her poems, including five that begin with the word: Fr300, Fr512, Fr825, Fr 1370, Fr1745. (Miller 2016).

ED’s first published use of the word “unto” was in an 1859 letter to her friend and cousin, Martha (Mattie) Gilbert Smith:

“I have a suitor in the skies – a nobleman is he – and this is all he ever says – Pray ‘come unto me.’ To such a simple wooing I do not reply – Say? – Shall I say him yes – Ladie – Say – shall I say him nay?” (JL223).

“In pencil, previously thought missing, addressed “Mattie” on verso” (Miller and Mitchell 2024)

As often happens, ED’s note is a poem, but in this case not recognized by cognoscenti:

• “I have a suitor in the skies –
  A nobleman is he –
  And this is all he ever says –
  Pray ‘come unto me’
  .
• To such a simple wooing I do not reply –
  Say? – shall I say him yes –
  Ladie – Say –
  Shall I say him nay?”

ED’s 1859 “nobleman in the skies” was probably Wadsworth, with whom she had been corresponding for several years, beginning sometime after late March 1855 when she heard his sermon in Philadelphia.
. . . . . . . . . .

References:
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• Franklin, RW. 1986.The Master Letters of Emily Dickinson. Amherst College Press
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• Franklin, RW (ed). 1998. The Poems of Emily Dickinson, Variorum Edition. Harvard University Press. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
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• Miller, C., (ed.) 2016. Emily Dickinson’s Poems: As She Preserved Them. Harvard University Press. Kindle Edition.
.
.• Miller, C, and D. Mitchell (eds). 2024. The Letters of Emily Dickinson, Harvard University Press. Kindle Edition
.
• Wikipedia, downloaded 3/15/2026, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_abuse_cases_in_Southern_Baptist_churches
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• CNN, downloaded 3/17/2026, https://www.cnn.com/2022/05/23/us/southern-baptist-sexual-abuse-report-explainer#:~:text=The%20EC%20is%20governed%20by,wake%2C%E2%80%9D%20the%20email%20read.

823.1864.The first Day that I was a Life. (early 1862)

Miller (2016), Footnote 333:

“The first Day” may allude to Philippians 1:21–23: “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot [know] not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ.”. . . Apostle Paul sent this letter from prison to the Christians in Ephesus, in modern Turkey.

……………………….

My view of related events in ED’s “Life”:

I think “Life” began for ED during summer 1860 when Philadelphia’s superstar pastor, Reverend Charles Wadsworth, DD, visited her in Amherst. ED felt her “Life” ended in September 1861 when he wrote her that he planned to move to San Francisco to pastor a new church. Calvary Presbyterian. He gave no other reason that we know of and apparently did not say goodbye when he sailed from New York Harbor in spring 1862.

……………………..

823.1864.The first Day that I was a Life.ED-LarryB

The first Day that I was a Life
I recollect it—How still—
That last Day that I was a Life
I recollect it—as well—

‘Twas stiller—though the first
Was still—
‘Twas empty—but the first
Was full—

This—was my finallest Occasion—
But then
My tenderer Experiment
Toward Men—

“Which choose I”?
That—I cannot say—
“Which choose They”?
Question Memory!

…………………..

In Stanza 4, Line 15, note that ED capitalizes “They”. As far as I know, ED capitalizes personal pronouns for only two entities, God and Wadsworth, and context eliminates God.

………………………..

My interpretation of ‘The first Day that I was a Life’ (Fr823):

1. As “I recollect” “The first Day that I was a Life” was that “still” summer day in 1860 when Charles Wadsworth visited me in Amherst. “I recollect– as well” “That last Day that I was a Life”, a still day, May 1, 1862, when he sailed from New York Harbor without saying goodbye.
   .
2. “That last Day of my Life was stiller than the “first”, “though the first was still”. “The last Day” “was empty—but the first was full.”
   .
3. “This was my finallest Occasion” in “My tenderer Experiment Toward Men”. I promised Wadsworth I would be faithful to him and wore only white after that fateful summer day as a symbol of my spiritual marriage to him.
   .
4. “Which choose I”, “Men” or no men, “Life” or death? “That—I cannot say—”. “Which choose” Wadsworth? “Question Memory!”

……………………..

When ED learned Wadsworth was moving to San Francisco, a different universe in ED’s mind, her lifelong separation anxiety triggered “a terror”, as she told her new mentor, T.W. Higginson (JL261, April 25, 1862):

“I had a terror—since September—I could tell to none—and so I sing, as the Boy does by the Burying Ground—because I am afraid”.  [“sing” means compose poems]

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Summer 1860 to September 1861, barely a year, seems a sadly short “Life” of happiness, and recovery from the trauma of their separation took years: first came anger, then suicidal depression, and finally forgiveness, as evidenced by an 1886 letter to Charles H. Clark (JL1040, April 15, 1886, exactly one month before she died):

“. . . . . Going Home,” was he not an Aborigine of the Sky? The last time he came in Life [summer 1880], I was with my Lilies and Heliotropes, said my Sister to me, “the Gentleman with the deep voice wants to see you, Emily,” hearing him ask of the Servant. “Where did you come from,” I said, for he spoke like an Apparition.

“I stepped from my Pulpit from to the Train” was [his] simple reply, and when I asked “how long”, “Twenty Years” said he with inscrutable roguery – but the loved Voice has ceased . . . . .”

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A half-serious interpretation of Philippians 1:21–23, as ED might modify it:

“For to me to live is Wadsworth, and to die is to marry Wadsworth in Heaven. But if I live in the flesh, poems will be the fruit of my labor. What I shall choose I know not. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to dedicate myself to poetry and at the same time to be with Wadsworth.”

 

The euphoria of ED’s midsummer 1860 rendezvous lasted until September 1861, when Wadsworth let her know he planned to move to San Francisco. He gave her no reason and did not say goodbye when he sailed from New York Harbor on May 1, 1862. After hearing his plans, ED’s brain began bipolar cycles whose valleys bordered on suicide. As she told Higginson in her second letter to him (JL338, April 28, 1862):

“. . . . . I had a terror – since September – I could tell to none – and so I sing, as the Boy does by the Burying Ground, because I am afraid. . . . . .”

“Sing” she did. Over the next four years, 1862-1865, ED’s productivity was prodigious. She wrote 849 poems, which is about one poem every two days. During a single year, 1863, she wrote 295 poems, an average of one poem every 30 hours.

What malevolent muse sent ED inspirations at that mind-murdering rate for 365 straight days? What poet wouldn’t gladly die to receive inspirations at that rate?

To put ED’s experience during that 1860 “Midsummer’s” rendezvous into modern perspective, Baylor University research (Baylor 2026) shows that experienced ministers know well their sexual power over troubled female congregants and should, but frequently don’t, guard against getting too familiar with them during counseling sessions.

 

PS3. My candidates for Suicide Poems (and Franklin’s estimate of copy date) include:

1. Fr252, ‘I think just how my shape will rise –’, “about 1861”,
   
2. Fr279, ‘Of all the Souls that stand create –’, “about second half of 1861”,
3. Fr308, ‘A shady friend – for Torrid days –’, “about early 1862”.
4. Fr320, ‘There’s a certain slant of light’, “about early 1862″,
5. Fr340, ‘I felt a Funeral, in my Brain’, “about summer 1862”,
6. Fr386, ‘Taking up the fair Ideal’, “about autumn 1862”, and
7. Fr784, ‘I sometimes drop it, for a Quick –’, “about late 1863”
   .
   Other candidate Suicide Poems welcome. I will add them to this list.

 

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The Reality of Pastoral Power

Misuse of Position: Sexual contact in ministry is recognized as an abuse of power, not an “affair,” because the power differential renders true, meaningful consent from a vulnerable congregant impossible.

High Risk and Frequency: Studies suggest that between 20% and 39% of surveyed clergy have admitted to sexual contact with parishioners.

Vulnerability Exploitation: Clergy abuse often targets people in crisis, such as those experiencing marital problems, grief, or trauma, as they are most in need of support.

Awareness vs. Action: While many ministers understand the theological prohibitions against adultery, they often fail to implement the practical, daily boundaries needed to prevent situations where sexual sin is easily initiated.

The “Black Pit” of Entitlement: Some ministers fall into the trap of using their role to gain sexual access, often by appearing as a “tired minister” needing care, or by grooming individuals through, for example, long-term, cross-gender counseling sessions.

Prevention Methods: Those who successfully guard against this abuse often use strategies like:

• Strict Counseling Boundaries: Avoiding long-term, private, one-on-one counseling with members of the opposite sex.
• Peer Accountability: Regular supervision and consultation with colleagues.
• Self-Awareness: Acknowledging personal needs and addressing them outside the congregation.
• Systemic Failure: When boundary violations occur, churches sometimes prioritize protecting their reputation over the safety of vulnerable members, allowing predators to continue their behavior.”