That I did always love
I bring thee Proof
That till I loved
I never lived — Enough —
That I shall love alway —
I argue thee
That love is life —
And life hath Immortality —
This — dost thou doubt —
Then have I
Nothing to show
But Calvary —
Except for one word, F652 invites literal interpretation. Each line below is one stanza , with editorial comments [in brackets]:
- That I did always love[,] I bring thee Proof[.] Until I loved[,] I never lived enough[.]
- That I shall love alway[s,] I argue thee[,] that love is life[,] and life hath immortality[.]
- [If] this dost thou doubt[,] then have I nothing to show [for my life] but Calvary.
Stanzas 1 & 2 sound Shakespearean to me. Stanza 3 is pure Dickinson.
In the twelve ED poems that use the word “Calvary”, listed below, she intends at least two metaphoric and two literal meanings:
- Metaphorically, “Calvary” is (1) a codeword for Reverend Charles Wadsworth and (2) excruciating pain.
- Literally, it’s (1) the hill in Jerusalem where Romans crucified Jesus and (2) the name of Calvary Presbyterian, the church in San Francisco where Wadsworth preached from 1862-1869.
In this poem, F652, I think ED intends all four meanings. Explaining that requires some biographic history:
Biographic History of ED and Reverend Charles Wadsworth
While visiting a friend in Philadelphia in March1855, ED, age 24, heard Rev. Wadsworth deliver a sermon at his church, Arch Street Presbyterian. Apparently, Wadsworth’s sermon, and his deep voice, lit an emotional and intellectual fire in ED that resulted in a two-way correspondence and an 1860 visit by Wadsworth to her home in Amherst. That sermon, their correspondence, and his visit help explain ED’s manic burst of productivity during the next five years, 1861-1865: 937 poems, an average of one every two days, and more than half her oeuvre of 1789 poems in 37 years of composition, 1850-1886.
Before ED’s death in 1886, she asked her sister, Vinnie, to burn all her correspondence. Vinnie complied except for one undated letter from Wadsworth to ED and three drafts of letters from ED to “Master”. His letter to her probably predates his first visit to Amherst because he misspells her name in its salutation and his stationary bears a monogram he stopped using in 1862:
“My Dear Miss Dickenson —
I am distressed beyond measure at your note, received this moment, — I can only imagine the affliction which has befallen, or is now befalling you.
Believe me, be what it may, you have all my sympathy, and my constant, earnest prayers.
I am very, very anxious to learn more definitely of your trial — and though I have no right to intrude upon your sorrow yet I beg you to write me, though it be but a word.
In great haste
Sincerely and most
Affectionately Yours —”
Wadsworth underlined the word, “Yours”, but did not sign the letter.
The tone of his letter is sincere ministerial concern for her, but given ED ‘s attraction to him, how did she interpret that underlined “Yours”? She was 24 when she heard him preach; he was 45, married, and father of two children. He was also a superstar Presbyterian minister in Philadelphia. Why Wadsworth suddenly resigned his Philadelphia position in early 1862 and moved to San Francisco and how that personally affected ED’s life begs explanation.
Wadsworth’s charismatic sermons had filled Arch Street Presbyterian pews to overflowing since his arrival in 1850, but his belief that the Bible condoned slavery did not sit well with his mostly anti-slavery congregation. When the Civil War began in April 1861, Wadsworth stood firmly for preserving the United States as one nation and thus sided with the Union in his sermons, but that didn’t satisfy his anti-slavery congregation. Friction followed, and he resigned his position at Arch Street Presbyterian in early 1862.
Simultaneously, in San Francisco, the struggling congregation of the 10-year-old Calvary Presbyterian Church grew increasingly dissatisfied with their Reverend William Scott, who supported both slavery and secession of slave states in his sermons. Threats followed, Scott resigned in July 1871, and sailed to Birmingham England where he pastored another church.
Scott had known Wadsworth in seminary, and “After resigning in July 1861, Scott may have asked his friend to consider a call from Calvary Church as his successor; their friendship probably contributed to Wadsworth’s being chosen to replace Scott at a meeting of the congregation on 9 December 1861.” (Lease 1990). Wadsworth accepted, resigned from Arch Street Presbyterian, and moved to San Francisco in May 1862.
Apparently, in September 1861 ED learned of his impending move and felt terror of abandonment, which may explain her cryptic comment to Higginson in a letter dated April 28, 1862: “I had a terror – since September – I could tell to none – and so I sing, as the Boy does by the Burying Ground, because I am afraid” (Johnson letter J-L261, Miller and Mitchell letter M&M-L338). At that time, ED apparently knew nothing about the real reason why Wadsworth decided to leave the east coast.
In her last “Calvary” poem (F1485, 1879), ED affirmed her enduring concern and now platonic love for Wadsworth in a quatrain, ‘Spurn the temerity’:
Spurn the temerity –
Rashness of Calvary –
Gay were Gethsemane
Knew we of thee –
ED Lexicon defines “Gethsemane” metaphorically as “Scene of agony; circumstance of unimaginable pain; situation of extreme anguish”, which pretty well describes ED’s mental state during 1861-1863 and perhaps longer.
If “Calvary” codes for Wadsworth and “Gethsemane” for ED, F1479 translates line by line:
- “Ignore my brash boldness,
- My rashness when you accepted pastorship of Calvary Presbyterian in San Francisco.
- I would be gay now
- If I knew how you are doing.”
It would not surprise me if she mailed this poem, F1485, to Wadsworth in 1879, though we have no hard evidence that happened. At any rate, the next year, during summer 1880, he showed up unannounced at her front door.
Wadsworth died two years later, on April 1, 1882, and in August ED wrote his best friend, James Clark, asking for memories of him (L994). By pure chance, ED’s father had introduced her to James in 1859. He and his brother, Charles, lived during summers at the Clark family home in Northampton, MA, 12 miles southwest of Amherst.
Her letter speaks for itself:
“August 1882
Dear friend,
Please excuse the trespass of gratitude. My Sister [Vinnie] thinks you will accept a few words in recognition of your great kindness.
In a [sic] intimacy of many years with the beloved Clergyman, I have never before spoken with one who knew him, and his Life was so shy and his tastes so unknown, that grief for him seems almost unshared.
He was my Shepherd from “Little Girl”hood and I cannot conjecture a world without him, so noble was he always – so fathomless – so gentle. [Actually, ED was 24 when she attended his sermon in 1855]
I saw him two years since [summer 1880] for the last time, though how unsuspected!
He rang one summer evening to my glad surprise – “Why did you not tell me you were coming, so I could have it to hope for,” I said – “Because I did not know it myself. I stepped from my Pulpit to the Train,” was his quiet reply. . . . . . He [had] spoken on a previous visit [1860] of calling upon you [James Clark], or perhaps remaining a brief time at your Home in Northampton. . . . . . . .
E Dickinson.”
James Clark died in 1883. Two years later in mid-April 1886, four weeks before her own death, ED wrote Clark’s brother, Charles, describing Wadsworth’s 1880 visit with her in Amherst (Johnson letter L1040, Miller and Mitchell letter, L1298):
“Thank you [for a previous letter], Dear friend, I am better. The velocity of the ill, however, is like that of the snail. . . . . .
I could hardly have thought it possible that the scholarly Stranger [James Clark] to whom my Father introduced me [in 1859] could have mentioned my Friend [Charles Wadsworth] . . . . .
With the exception of my Sister [Vinnie] who never saw Mr Wadsworth, your Name alone [now] remains.
Going Home” [dying], was he not an Aborigine of the sky? The last time he came in Life [summer 1880], I was with my Lilies and Heliotropes, said my sister to me, “[T]he Gentleman with the deep voice wants to see you, Emily,” hearing him ask of the servant. “Where did you come from,” I said, for he spoke like an Apparition.
“I stepped from my Pulpit to the Train” was [his] simple reply, and when I asked “how long,” “Twenty Years” [1860-1880] said he with inscrutable roguery – but [his] loved Voice has ceased, and to someone who [heard] him “Going Home,” it was sweet to speak. . . . . . Excuse me for the [my] Voice, this moment immortal. . . . .”
E Dickinson.”
- Johnson, T.H. 1958. The Letters of Emily Dickinson
- Lease, Benjamin, 1990, Emily Dickinson’s Readings of Men and Books
- Miller, Cristanne Miller and Domhnall Mitchell, 2024, The Letters of Emily Dickinson
During her lifetime ED composed 12 “Calvary” poems:
Year Fr# Poem line
1861 194 Empress of Calvary
1862 283 The Palm -without the Calvary –
1862 325 Justified-through Calvaries of Love-
1862 347 The Queen of Calvary-
1862 398 Key of Calvary-
1862 431 In Calvary-
1863 550 In passing Calvary-
1863 652 But Calvary
1863 670 One Calvary-exhibited to Stranger
1863 686 For passing Calvary-
1863 749 Cashmere-or Calvary-the same
1879 1485 Rashness of Calvary-
Summary of Calvary poem occurrences:
Years Time (yrs) Poems F#s
1850-1860 21 0 F1-F193
1861-1863 4 11 F194-F7491
1864-1978 15 0 F750-F1485
1879 1 1 F779
1880-1886 7 0 F1486-F1789
- Lease, Benjamin, 1990, Emily Dickinson’s Readings of Men and Books
- Miller, Cristanne Miller and Domhnall Mitchell, 2024, The Letters of Emily Dickinson, Kindle Edition.